Because I am afraid (too weak to be true)

I don't know exactly what to write here now and how should I start, all I know is that there's this guy that I tried to keep off, I tried to avoid, a guy that I tried to forget and let this one go but  I’m surprised by how much it has been bothering me over and over. Yes He really did. Over the past weeks I have been feeling the waves of depression wash over me and hearing the siren call of the damned again. 

It's strange its been a long years the I felt it and now I am here again, feeling it again and I couldn't even imagine how I was ever in this place, or how it felt, what's happening with me?
Why do I feel this way? These are the question I ask myself over and over again, but these questions will never be answered at this point. I can't keep wondering anymore.

 Even though the thought of not talking to this guy scares me because His been one of the good friends I had, but I know I have to do it for myself. Yes He is a good friend of mine, we go out together, we make each other laugh, we have tons of respect for each other, the gender differences make it all more interesting and I believed we shared a pretty close connection, as I found myself able to talk to Him about more personal things which I really didn't do to other close guy friends, such as sharing about family problems, about my migraine which no one knows except my family and Him and how it hurts me each day, sharing about how sometimes weird I am, sharing about some secrets and everything about me.

Maybe it’s one of the reasons now why it bothers me a lot and it kills me that I can't be a friend to Him anymore like the way I use to and just act like there's nothing wrong coz I know there is really something wrong between us now after that very moment, that conversation, that conversation I couldn't seem to forget. Some friends think that we are in a loving relationship because we’ve been too close to each other just a sudden and they always see us getting out together but the fact that we are not really, I thought at first only the people around us would misunderstood the closeness we had and it never came to my mind that the moment will come that even one of us two would misunderstood all things happening between us, misunderstanding about feelings, misunderstanding on how He felt about me and how I felt about Him. We even came to a point that we both laid things up and said things are just misunderstood and from that they on things changed. I couldn't say it’s just a simple misunderstanding from a simple conversation coz it suddenly changed things and it ruined the good friendship that we tried to build. We tried to fixed things up and make things back to normal like nothing had happen but I know and we both know that in our hearts things are different now after what had happen.

 I just don't know what exactly is going on now but I must admit that I have this fear that I can't explain, fear of losing this guy, fear of losing a good friend and fear of being more close to Him at the same time, because I’m afraid.. Yes I am afraid.. I’m afraid that the more I get too close to him, the more things will be misunderstood and would surely complicate things more and more and I don’t want it to happen because He is a friend.

I tried to get myself busy to some other things and tried to avoid Him but I just can't help it, I just don't know what's happening to me now, or should it be??? Should it be He is right, when he said that it’s not just simply being misunderstood and there's really a feeling of being more than a friend  but just too weak to be true??? I really don't know, why I couldn't even answer my question when it’s just simply answerable with "Yes or No". Maybe He's just too good to me, maybe I've been too close to Him and that I'm already use to waking up each morning saying good morning to Him and say good night and don't forget to pray before I sleep and now that things are not getting better between us, it leads to the feeling of I can't afford to lose Him. But why?? Why all things end up with the word "MAYBE"??? Why do I feel afraid to lose Him when this guy is just a simple and ordinary stranger to me before??? Damn what's with you?! you’ve been confusing me all this time. =(